just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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