It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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