I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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