You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
