if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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