Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
