Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
