Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize