I can text with my tongue
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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