what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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