Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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