dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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