I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i think my cat just said my name.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
