If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize