a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
