Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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