I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
