The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
