Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
