Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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