As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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