Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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