20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
