I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
