Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
