He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
