last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
