i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
