remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
