I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
