So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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