wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I miss vodka workout Fridays
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
