So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
