Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
