My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
