I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
