my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
