I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
how does that bad decision feel?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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