idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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