someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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