people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
