And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
