Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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