guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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