Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
