Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
