Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
