I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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