i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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