Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize