I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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