you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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