Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
