this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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