I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
