I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
