So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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