Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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