we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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