I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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