Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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