Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
