you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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